Death Eater's Handbook
by ParadoxOfInfinity
Summary: Death Eaters: your guide to survival in the ranks of Voldemort. With a little help from this handy guide, you may rise to be His most loyal supporter yet!
1. Chapter One:The Basics

Disclaimer: Everything you recognize belongs to J.K. Rowling. I only write this when I am on a sugar high, and I am Vesper NOT Evangelic. Because I do not get high very often, this story will not be updated very fast. Bear with me.

**Chapter One: The Basics**

Congratulations! You are now one of the (hopefully) loyal servants of the Dark Lord, and he appreciates it very much. To ensure that your lifespan is not cut short, it is best to follow the following rules. In doing so, you are both being highly faithful to your master and also you are preventing your painful death.

Do NOT call the Dark Lord Voldie, Voldy, or anything like that, not even if you're an Inner Circle Death Eater. It is also inadvisable to call him Voldemort, but he is considerably more tolerant to that name.

Any sightings of Harry Potters, Minerva McGonagalls, or any other Order of the Phoenix members should be reported immediately to a Inner Circle Death Eater, or if circumstances allow it, the Dark Lord himself. Caution: He does not take kindly to meetings without appointment. Torture and/or death may occur at own personal risk.

The Dark Lord himself will investigate contact with any member of the Order of the Phoenix, so it is inadvisable to do so unless you're a Severus Snape.

Orders from Inner Circle death Eaters should be obeyed, unless you suspect that they're acting under the Imperius Curse, in which case you should report to the Dark Lord or a fellow Death Eater. If the order is "jump off a cliff" or similar, however, it may be ignored at own personal risk.

Orders from the Dark Lord MUST be obeyed, even if it is "go take a long walk off a short pier".

Secrets that you have been told to keep must be kept, least you want to suffer a long, slow, and painful death. Exceptions are plots against the Dark Lord or any other member of the Death Eaters.

Employ as much methods as possible to keep yourself out of Azkaban, including hiding your Dark Mark, Dark items, and whenever possible, your face. If you're a spy inside the Ministry of magic, do not attempt to disguise yourself unless you're fleeing your post. If your methods of keeping yourself out of prison are endangering other Death Eaters, you will be dealt with (hint: it doesn't include having tea, either).

Remember, you are now bound to finish your missions given to you. This Handbook is an approved guide to Death Eater activities, which include murder, torture, mind control, and coercion. However, sometimes it is best to act the opposite of what is suggested in this book, depending on the circumstances. This should be taken as a basic guide only and the writers are not responsible for any pain or deaths.


	2. Chapter Two:Concerning Your Dark Mark

Disclaimer: Yes, I own everything Harry Potter! (And if you believe that, I have a full sized replica of Hogwarts to sell you, complete with the Room of Requirement and its golden toilet seats.)

**Chapter Two: Concerning Your Dark Mark**

Every time you look down at your left arm, you should see a fair artist's impression of a skull with a snake as a tongue (if it has not developed after you have received this booklet, see another Death Eater or the Dark Lord IMMEDIATELY). If you are knowledgeable enough, you should realize that it resembles a Muggle tattoo. However, its properties are purely magical and should not be mistaken for one.

There may be occasional pains in that area of your arm during the first week. DO NOT attempt to consume any painkilling potions, especially of the brand Hurt-B-Gone. You may have learned about the magical reactions that will occur between the Morsmordre Spell and the said potion, but being a lowly OWL thug, you probably didn't. Included is a chart of potions or spells and their reactions with the Mark. These will only apply to the first week; the Mark will become stable after then. If it does not, report to the Dark Lord, and the writers seriously advise you to keep any hint of accusation out of your voice.

You may have learned that the Mark is a means of summoning Death Eaters to a certain meeting place. When the Dark Lord touches the mark of any one Death Eater, all others will feel a rather painful sensation in their Mark and will also receive mentally the location of the meeting place. The mark will turn from its normal black to red, and will remain so until the meeting is decreed over. If you decide to not present yourself at any meeting, the pain in your arm will remain until the meeting is over, and you can expect even more of it at your next meeting. Therefore, you should try to be there every time (the writers sincerely hope that you have figured this out already and did not need our prompting). If you happen to be inside an Anti-Disapparaition shield, you should alert a colleague immediately.

Potions, Spells, and Their Reactions (first week only)

Hurt-B-Gone: causes your Mark to turn a bright violet, or your entire arm in rare cases. Violet will fade after 2-3 weeks.

Mr. Tinkletinker's: will cause SEVERE headaches (though the pain in your arm will be gone). In rare cases, cause user to trumpet like an elephant. Will wear off.

Hocus-Nor-Pocus: (too horrible to describe; be ready for a year in St. Mungo's)

All Spells and Charms: cause Mark to glow and change colours kaleidoscopically, and the effects will wear off after 4-6 months.

For complete chart (that includes obscure potions, backalley concoctions, and non-patented spells invented by Mr. Severus Snape), please visit the Department of Healing: The Riddle House, second floor, room 207.


	3. Chapter Three:The Unforgivable CursesI

Disclaimer: Roses are red, Violets are blue, Potter is sweet, but still not by me.

**Chapter Three: The Unforgivable Curses**

Of course, they're only "unforgivable" in the Ministry's eyes. In Death Eater law, they're perfectly legal, and everyone are implored to use them, just not on fellow Death Eaters unless absolutely necessary.

**Part One: The Imperius Curse**

Incantation: Imperio

Equipment Requirements: Wand, Hand Attached to Your Arm

Other Requirements: Mental Strength, Wicked Desire to Hurt Other People; Sadistic Thinking and Basic Legilimency assets.

Uses: When pointed at a person or animal and muttered, forges a mental bond (that is very painful to break and harder to resist, for the target of course) between the two and you can tell the controlled person/animal how to behave. For rare cases where the person or animal refuses to be controlled, it is advised for you to use the Cruciatus Curse (see Part Two) until they agree for you to control their body, or faint. Those who have difficulty casting this spell on animals should ask for aid in mental strength IMMEDIATELY, unless you prefer to have said curse performed on you for the remainder of your life (which won't be long, considering the sort of jobs you'll be sent to do) all because of a brain power deficiency. Those who have difficulty casting this on humans should take up tutoring lessons from an Inner Circle Death Eater, if there are willing. If they're not willing, you are not advised to try. Instead, ask the Dark Lord to be removed from your current assignment (results not guaranteed, amount of damage on your person equally unwarranted)

An advantage of this curse over other mind-control methods is the fact that the user doesn't have to know what they're doing to do it. Here's an example to show what I mean. If you ever have an Imperiused servant, you can tell him or her to pour a glass of water, and he will do it for you. However, if you tell him/her to perform a challenging set of Quidditch moves, they'll do everything correctly even if he or she is not an athlete. Therefore, you can use this curse for everything from performing your assignments to watching a pro-level violin performance in your own home.

Cautions: This curse needs a lot of concentration. DO NOT perform when you're distracted, because you can seriously addle your and/or the targets minds. Also, it is not permanent. Recasting is needed every two days at the most. This is CRUCIAL; so do not let it slip your mind. Tattoo it beside your Mark if you have to.


	4. Chapter Three:The Unforgivable CursesII

Disclaimer: I'm the lead singer for Coldplay, I can travel back in time, and I own Harry Potter (if you believe that, the model of Hogwarts is still for sale).

**Part Two: The Cruciatus Curse**

Incantation: Crucio

Equipment Requirements: See Imperius Curse

Other Requirements: An amount of Sadistic Thinking that is as high as Mount Everest, and as wide as Canada (which is, incidentally, a very peaceful country). If you do not fulfill this, _do_ worry. Worry for your life.

Uses: Like the Imperius Curse, this curse takes no physical form and operates as long as it is pointed at the subject. The author personally believes there is only one word that adequately describes its effects.

**PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN**

It is underlined, repeated, and in bold to stress the fact that under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you be flippant about this Curse, unless you wish to be on the receiving end of it. The only exceptions to this rule are the Inner Circle and the Dark Lord, who may use this at will. Any thoughtless actions on your part will result in (with all sense of irony) an equally thoughtless but vigorous session under the Cruciatus, also on your part.

Beginners will often experience one of several common syndromes during the first few castings. They may include nausea, vomiting, tears, choking, and hyperventilation. These are collectively known as the Sympathy Sensation. Unfortunately, no ways have been developed as of yet to prevent these unpleasant things. Therefore, you must learn to ignore the little voice in the back of your head, the one that goes "Don't do it! Don't do it!".

Cautions: You are warned NEVER to use the Curse for longer than five minutes at a stretch, unless you're attempting to break open a memory charm cast by a Bartemius Crouch. Although a person's mind is normally imperturbable by physical-type charms, the Cruciatus can break it. If you have ever learned anything, it should be that a subject with a broken mind is never good news, and almost always will require disposing of (see Part Three).

You should also know that being hit with this curse in inevitable. It you have not been already, you can most certainly look forward to it at your next meeting. Once you have been hit, you will (hopefully) quickly realize that you must do exactly what your tormentor says. If you do not, it is fair to say that you will never open this book again due to the inconvenience of being dead.


	5. Chapter Three:The Unforgivable CursesIII

Disclaimer: If I were J. K. Rowling, I would be sitting in a sleek leather swivel chair typing this, and not this creaky, torn foldout one.

**Part Three: The Killing Curse**

Or, as the younger and more hip generations like to stylize it, the 'Avada Kedavra'.

Incantation: DUH! Avada Kedavra (Note: the 'DUH!' is not part of the incantation)

Equipment Requirements: You ought have learnt by now…in case you didn't, refer to the Cruciatus Curse.

Other Requirements: _Sheer_ Power (Flat just doesn't work on this one). Also, as with the other Unforgivables, a certain amount of Sadism is needed.

Uses: All right! This is the Curse you've all been waiting for (or dreading)! This takes the form of a green jet of light, and has a rather nasty effect on the subject, which is cleverly, if not blatantly, stated in the title. It has no side effects; it merely stops all vital systems of whatever it hits. NOTE: the results are NOT REVERSIBLE. Therefore, it is STRONGLY advised for you to practise on 'guinea pigs' first (NOT humans). The author's personal favourite are spiders. You are not advised to train with rats because there's always a chance you might Avada Kedavra a fellow Death Eater, especially if you have gained the right to live in Headquarters.

Like peeling onions, acrobatic gymnastics, and playing the five-octave scale in F Minor, this Curse takes some getting used to. Do not become frustrated if you cannot perform it, or do, but don't show it.

Nine cases out of ten, your first Curse will have such uncontrolled power that it will propel you backwards a few feet, and cause you to land rather painfully. More controlled persons will be able to conjure the precise jet that you have undoubtedly seen an Inner Circle person perform (hope it wasn't directed at you). IF YOU CANNOT DO THIS IN TWO MONTHS' TIME, CONSULT AN EXPERT IMMEDIATELY.

Cautions: If you shouldn't be flippant about the Cruciatus Curse, you are imperially decreed to NEVER, EVER misuse _this_ curse. Its results are permanent, and your scars will be, too. Many people know how to make a wound unable to heal, and they won't hesitate to do it to you if you have managed to 'accidentally kill someone'. That is, if you cannot be spared because of some special feature that you have. I trust you know the alternative, what will happen if you _can_ be spared…

To end this chapter on a very pleasant note, you will be hit by this curse only once in your lifetime (my Lord, if you're reading this, you are the exception. The Potter boy, regrettably, is also).


	6. Chapter Four:Your MissionsI & II

Disclaimer: If you actually believe that I am J. K. Rowling, you must be dumber than some of the newbie Death Eaters, which is really saying something.

**Chapter Four: Your Missions**

They will only be 'your' missions if you survive until then. Please keep that in mind in case your current mission is extremely dangerous and/or dull.

**Part One: Observance Missions**

Let's just put it this way. Anyone or anything with a brain and an eye can do these missions. As the title suggests, you simply observe a senior Death Eater perform some of their Routine Missions. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you interfere in any way whatsoever. They are free to punish you as they please, because it will be counted as a personal wrong rather than a public wrong (where there are set rules for crime and punishment). Other than that, you should fare well.

**Part Two: Routine Missions**

If you are reading this, you have probably passed your Observance Missions, and are now sitting on the edge of your seats, anxiously hoping for advice on your Routine Missions. Please do not topple over, as I describe these particularly dangerous missions that you will have to follow for a short time (something along the lines of fifteen years) before you graduate completely into the High-Difficulty missions. They should come relatively easily, to persons above the IQ of 75. If your score falls below that, the author can only hope that you die a relatively painless death.

For all the difficulty on the field, the concepts of these missions are very simple. You simply apply as much damage as possible towards a certain targeted area. This in itself may include (but are not limited to) arson, Muggle-torturing, wizard-torturing, and laughing like a maniac. Usually these areas are randomly selected, but occasionally they will be chosen for a desired effect on the wizarding and Muggle public. The 'chosen' missions are the gradients toward the higher-end missions, and are to be treated VERY, VERY seriously if you value your life.

There are a few key points that should be noted. Firstly, EVADE CAPTURE AT ALL TIMES. No matter how useless you may be, you will be worth less still in the enemy's hands (or cells). Not only that, you will endanger you comrades when (not _if_) you are made to confess. Second, NEVER bite off more than you can chew. DO NOT engage in duels with unknown wizards or witches just because you are caught up in the moment. Chances are they're smarter than you and will capture/kill you (see point one). Third, wear pants. Although this does not seem like a big deal, you will soon realize how hard it is to run in robes when a mob of angry Ministry law enforcers are after you.

The last point is so exceedingly important that the author must allot a separate line for it. Never, ever, EVER store your wand in your back pocket. Better wizards than you have lost buttocks.


	7. Chapter Four:Your MissionsIII

Disclaimer: Hogwarts replica anyone…? Still no takers? Good. You've learned.

**Part Three: High-Difficulty Missions**

Before I begin, I shall make an uneducated guess about you, my eagerly terrified reader. You have proven to be moderately useful, but still no big-shot. You are insecure, and are very nervous about your missions still. You have wandered into this section because you are curious and wondering whether it would be profitable to survive until these missions. I know all this, because better Death Eaters than you would have thrown this book away long ago for lack of requirement.

Every professional Death Eater's worse fear is probably a mission that begins with "you can't miss on this one." The cold truth is, Death Eaters can and do miss. The above sentence only heightens their sense of dread, and at the same time carrying the subtle message "_or else_." Thus, participants in these missions are almost always 'volunteered' by others with quicker reflexes and/or the present circumstances. Only the truly insane would go by choice on missions that may include the following:

Being possessed by an Albanian bit of smoke which happens to be a misty Dark Lord without a body

Forced through booby-traps right out of some jungle movie, only to die tragically at the hands (literally) of the thrice-accursed Boy Who Won't Die

Framing your former best friend for the murder of your other former best friend

Transforming into your Animagus – and hiding for thirteen years

Running away in the dark with a werewolf, a murderous friend, an unconscious enemy, and three armed teenagers in the vicinity

Seducing drunk Ministry women (let's not go there)

Milking (venom, of course) the Master's large, large snake (most develop ophiophobia within a few days – if not hours)

Providing for an evil-looking, much younger, and easily-angered version of the Dark Lord (that Voldemorphobia should be kicking in right about now…)

Subduing a paranoid ex-Auror at his own booby-trapped house

Drinking Polyjuice Potion hourly, for an entire year (the aftertaste is HORRID)

Attending a Ball in disguise, while trying to make inquiries about socks inconspicuous

Trying to fix a large, black, cramped portal that you have no idea how to fix, in the middle of a security-tightened Hogwarts

Killing the four-times-accursed Dumbledore, then fleeing a battle-engaged Hogwarts

As you can see, these missions are not for the fainthearted, nor the overly headstrong. Should you treasure your life, avoid those at all costs. However, if by some slim chance you succeed, that means an instant shiny pass to the upper circles. Me, I prefer the slower, if safer, twenty-years-service way. Finally, I can only say an evil, completely allowed prayer for the twit whose next mission begins with "you can't miss on this one."


	8. ChapterFive:InterviewsWithProfessionalsI

Disclaimer: I do not own the Death Eaters or the Dark Lord. In fact, he owns me.

**Chapter Five: Interviews with the Professionals**

In this section, the writer will be interviewing three of our top Death Eaters. In alphabetical order, they are: Mrs. Bellatrix Lestrange, Mr. Lucius Malfoy, and Mr. Severus Snape. The words in brackets are later comments or actions.

**Part One: Bellatrix Lestrange**

(Here, D represents the writer V. Dawn and L represents Mrs. Lestrange)

D: Mrs. Lestrange, it is my duty to remind you that you will be asked a total of ten questions, which means nine standard ones and a random newbie-written one drawn from this hat. Your comments are being recorded on this little machine over here, and they will be included in a handbook for the beginners.

L: Just hurry up. I have an appointment with the prisoners in fifteen minutes (snickers).

D: Here we go. Why did you join the Death Eaters?

L: I joined them for the honour of ridding the world of the Muggle and Mudblood filth. You wouldn't happen to be one, would you? (She draws her wand casually)

D: Pureblood, I assure you. Next question: during your career, how many times have you cast each of the Unforgivables?

L: A couple dozen Imperios, at least ten dozen Avada Kedavras, and-

D: (Eagerly) Crucios?

L: Don't' interrupt me. Crucio.

D: AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

L: And that, newbies, was my 20,377th Crucio.

D: …Gasp…wheeze…and how many times have them been cast on you?

L: Four Imperios and several dozen Crucios. I assure you, those were most people's last spells.

D: Do you have tips on how to avoid being Crucio'd?

L: Yes. Don't interrupt people of higher rank than you.

D: I shall remember that. In your career as a Death Eater, what was your proudest moment?

L: Definitely when my Lord praised me for my faithfulness after all those years in Azkaban. It was almost like a dream come true (here she grins to herself. Dawn did not press her).

D: And what, pray tell, was your most humiliating?

L: (Sighs) when Lucius got the Prophecy raid messed up, and I got blamed for it (she shivers. Again, Dawn did not press for fear of 20,378th Crucio).

D: Seeing your devotion to the Dark Lord, would you kill Rodolphus if He told you to?

L: Are you joking? Lestrange is only alive because my Lord told me NOT to kill him!

D:…Okay…what advice do you have for the young Death Eaters?

L: Trust me on this: it is better to not come back at all from a mission than coming back and having failed.

D: And my good superior, what do you think of this handbook?

L: It would educate the newbies, but I still say the best education is my Lord's Crucios.

D: Now, it is time to draw a question from the twenty in this hat…(she draws a piece of parchment and unfolds it. For some reason, she turns red, and then green, and then very pale) Mrs. Lestrange, this says 'do you or did you ever have an affair with the Dark Lord?'

L: (Turning a strange shade of crimson) why you…that is PRIVATE, PRIVATE I say! I ought to…

D: (panicky) it was the newbies! The newbies!

L: CRUCIO!

(The interview concludes here, as the writer feels the readers should be spared a few pages of 'AHHH's)


End file.
